Lucky.

Every morning, my son appears in whatever room I happen to be in at the moment, his arms full of his stuffed bear blankets, his hair a riot of cowlicks, a shy smile on his face.

Today he carried his new red fleece slippers in his arms too. And asked me, Mommy can you help me?

So I helped him put them on. And when he stood up and ran away to get some toy of his, his bare ankles peeped out from the bottom of his pants.

He’s growing up so quickly.

I’m finding it hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he’s going to be four in March. FOUR.

When did that HAPPEN?

I mean. For more than three years we were stuck in the Waiting Place, hoping to get pregnant. That time felt like an eternity to me; decades, eons.

But from the moment he was born, time accelerated, rushing through us, nearly overwhelming me with milestones and things to remember and change and movement.

It took me a long time to adjust to being his mom, to really embracing the fact that we got lucky enough to be parents. I was scared for so long that I didn’t deserve someone like him.

So. It’s looking more and more like he will be our only child. And if I were to be honest, I’m mostly okay with that. I like babies, but I LOVE little kids. The imagination. The vocabulary. The independent play, the trying new things, the teaching about words and games and the world around us.

But sometimes it’s hard, too, knowing that we only had one chance at babyhood.

This morning? The glimpse of his bare ankles in the gap between his pajamas and slippers struck me.

He’s a little boy.

And there are some days where I see the man he’s going to become.

So bitter and so sweet, all at the same time.

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6 Responses to Lucky.

  1. Summer says:

    My son will be 3 in January and I have been having similar thoughts. I wish I could have sped up the days before I had my son and slow down the days, hours and minutes now. I look at his baby pictures and wonder what I would have thought if I had known this was the little boy he would become. A friend of mine said to me once when her son was less than a year old, how each month was filled with many hellos and goodbyes. Now that my son is older, the hellos and goodbyes don’t come and go as quickly, but they are still there. And yes, it is so very bittersweet.

  2. Turia says:

    I am so glad you posted this- I have been thinking with your new blog that I missed hearing about Lucky (although I do like the running posts given I live vicariously through you).

    I can see this happening with E. already. I’m finally comfortable enough, and confident enough, that I can enjoy him and not freak out over everything. And he is becoming a lot of fun. But at the same time, each day I see him moving further and further away from being a little baby (and soon will move away from a baby entirely), and I do find it so very bittersweet. He too may well be our only, so I try to hold on to the moments.

    xoxoxo
    T.

  3. If you think the first 3 1/2 years have gone by in a hurry, wait until you see how rapidly 44 of them go by. They pass so rapidly that one needs to periodically remind oneself that this person is an adult not a child anymore. Of course, that same child/adult is now beginning to think of his parents as elderly/child. Keep on enjoying him, the best is yet to come.

  4. I have three boys who are nine, five and two. It seems that the ever so unforgiving time warp is picking up speed with each year that goes by. I guess that statement suffices for each kid as well. The addition of one child, two children, and then a third, has also increased the imaginary time warp speed in the imaginary time warp machine. I always said two things with my boys.

    1. Never ask for a moment ahead of where I am. This means no, ” I can’t wait until your 18 type comments”or “I can’t wait until this kid is out of diapers”, etc.

    2. Never take a single moment for granted – Sounds similar, but this is more related to being in the present moment with my children.

    I learned this the hard way as all of my children as they all had serious medical conditions as very young children, but your ability to recognize this phenomenon and address it or discuss it, is very heartwarming and I appreciated reading your experiences related to this. Thank you for sharing it.

    • I must step back a bit here. After reading your About Me post, I also see that you experienced some sort of personal experience with your child that involved some hardship.

      I also am a little embarassed that I incorrectly used “your” above and need to correct it to “you’re”.

  5. Bea says:

    I so know what you mean about life on fast forward. Four is insane! But big kid stuff is pretty cool.

    Bea

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