#Microblog Mondays: Balance.

Microblog_Mondays

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A little more than 10 years ago, Jeff and I sat on a beach in Fiji on our honeymoon and discussed the kind of life we wanted for our family in the future. After a decade or marriage, the details are a touch fuzzy, but I remember the big picture.

We talked about making sure travel was high on our priority list. And we talked about living a balanced life; making time for the things that are most important to us, working hard, but also having the time to do the things we want.

God, we were so young and idealistic.

I find myself in a space lately where my balance is not the kind of balance I want at all. It’s all work and snow days and parenting and no space and time for myself except in teeny doses.

Every morning I wake up  with a ridiculous to do list to get through for that day. And the question is whether or not I can sacrifice any of that to carve out time for myself.

Inevitably, of course, I CAN find some time. I create it; force that time for myself. Because otherwise I am bitchy and yelly and resentful and tired and grumpy and not at all fun to be around.

But to do WHAT, then?

I have a billion things I want to do: I want to write. Write in my journal, in this space, my novel, create posts a writer’s group I just joined, in Storium. I want to cook, to create new soups and try new recipes. I want to meditate, do yoga, swim, bike, and/or run. I want to research bikes and triathlon training plans because I love geeking out on that kind of stuff. I want to talk to and see my friends and family and the people I love and do nice things for people who are suffering and could use the extra love.

Because exercise is one of my biggest priorities, I end up taking that little time I can carve out for myself daily to work out. Which, I will admit, helps me mentally and physically on a host of levels, and it’s never wasted time.

But I make no progress on all of the other things I want to do.

I feel like, in my life, I’m running in the 100 inches of snow we’ve gotten this month. I expend all this energy on a daily basis, collapse into bed at the end of the day with exhaustion, and I’m no further down the path of personal fulfillment than I was that day on a beach in Fiji a decade ago.

And I’m not really sure if there’s anything to do about it, really.

For the foreseeable future, my list of Things I Want To Do will far outstrip the Things I Have Time To Do.

I think this IS my balance right now.

And I really don’t like it.

Anyway, that’s a long way of apologizing (or not, maybe?) for my lack of presence here, in this space. I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I wrote here last, and I wish I had more time to invest.

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7 Responses to #Microblog Mondays: Balance.

  1. sharah says:

    This is exactly how I feel these days. I am so ready for spring and some breathing room.

  2. noemi says:

    I was just thinking that we hadn’t heard from you in a long time, and I was wondering what you were up to. I was hoping you would be able to write soon.I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I am very much struggling with this myself.I don’t know if there is a good answer when our kids are young. I am hoping maybe the answer will become more clear when they get older, but I find that when I expect something in the future because of changed (alleviated?) circumstances, a lot of times I’m disappointed. Maybe there is no answer, or we’re already living it, as you said. I really don’t know what we’re supposed to do. I’m at a loss.

    I’m glad you’re finding time to exercise. That is so important for me. And I know it is for you too. That is something.

  3. Delenn says:

    Exactly how I feel. Especially with a job I dislike, the weather and other issues…I just have not found time to create any balance. I am hoping to be able to create some balance soon in my life…I just don’t know how at the moment.

  4. Kathy says:

    Yes, all of this. I was asked during a job interview today how I manage with kids and working full time and community activities and all and I realized that I just kind of suck at all of it and de-prioritize most of the me stuff (as an example, I haven’t had a hair cut in a year – wtf?). Which, clearly, is no way to live (and is clearly not the answer I gave!). But I see no present alternative. I too need to find balance.

  5. Justine says:

    I am 15 pounds heavier than I used to be AND I don’t write any more. I get the feeling of running and going nowhere. But I also think we’ve made a decision to make this sacrifice … and if you can find time for the thing that is MOST important to you, that’s saying something! We miss you, but we will be here whenever you have time for this space, too.

  6. Mel says:

    I do think that you’re currently in a very busy point of life, and that there will be more time for yourself as things change. And in the meantime, we’re here when you do grab time to write.

    Sometimes I need to schedule me days into the calendar to make sure they happen. That I have days where I actually do things for myself vs. everyone else.

  7. Catwoman73 says:

    Yup. Me, too. I feel like my head is barely above water most days, and occasionally, I feel like I’m drowning. I recently watched a Ted Talks about how our biochemistry is still stuck in primitive caveman times, while the demands on our time have grown beyond our capacity to deal with them. I’ll see if I can find it on YouTube and I’ll send it to you. Unfortunately, it didn’t offer any real solutions to the problem, but it certainly helped me understand a biological reason for feeling the way I do.

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