The funny thing about Not Writing is that when you DO finally get back to it, there’s so much to tell you that the posts really FEEL super boring.
I haven’t really been in a place where I felt like I could write, though. Even though probably only like 5 people read my blog, it links to Facebook and Twitter and it makes me FEEL like it’s a lot more public than it probably is.
So I fixed it. I just disconnected my link to Facebook and Twitter, and now I feel like anyone who wants to read me can, but my point of view about whatever I write about is not shoved in people’s faces automatically when I post.
Ahhhhh. Who knew that’s all it would take?
Anyway, a check in.
First of all, I am super excited: I signed up for National Blog Posting Month, or NaBloPoMo for those in the know. I’m going to post every day for a whole month. Yessssssssssss.
I’m going to be honest: I haven’t been great about the mindfulness and meditation stuff this past few weeks. I’ve been stressed out and anxious and frustrated, which of course is when I probably need the tenants of mindfulness the most.
But being mindful means you need to cultivate awareness WITHOUT judgment, and I’ve been too into beating myself up to really practice it.
The long and short of it is that I’ve been really mad at myself for choosing a career in business and accounting 15 years ago. There are myriad reasons I am unhappy with my chosen career, but they mostly have to do with the sheer pointlessness of it and the little voice inside me that’s screaming: This isn’t REAL! It’s JUST NUMBERS!
It’s been harder and harder to ignore that voice.
And the problem is this: I’m turning 40 this month, with a family and a mortgage, and I don’t actually have the ability to ignore all of my responsibilities to go out and find my bliss.
So for the past year and a half I’ve been trying to THINK my way around the career issue. I’ve explored a number of ideas to see if they’re a viable career move for me. With one, I even went so far as to create a 3 year plan for me to move and change to that career, until it fizzled when I realized that I’d be gone nights and weekends to teach and that didn’t seem to fit with what we want from our family life.
I’ve just been marking time, then. And it’s been really hard, because the type of work I’ve been doing – Sarbanes Oxley compliance work – is my least favorite part of accounting. And it’s gotten harder over the past couple of years, mostly because the regulation and industry trends are making the “compliance” part out of control.
So that little voice has started screaming at me and has been making it hard for me to sleep or meditate or escape it.
A few weeks ago, I got a call from a recruiter about another job, and I decided to follow up and see what happened with it. I accepted the offer on Friday and gave my notice to my current boss. I start the new gig on November 30.
It’s still accounting, and the first 4 months of this job I will be working full time. And commuting. But once this particular engagement is over, it will be part time and remote, with the potential to need to be in the office maybe one day a week.
The fact is, I work as an accountant. I will continue to work as an accountant in the near term. I’m hoping that switching up the KIND of accounting I do will help.
And in the meantime, I’m going to focus on trying to be more creative in my free time. Writing every day in November, then, is the beginning.