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I’m not sure who linked it to their Facebook account, but I read this blog post on grief which really resonated with me.
What stuck with me the most, though, was this sentence: Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.
I love the idea of carrying your grief, not fixing it.
This time of year is a tough one for me. Not only is it dark and cold, but I lost my aunt and my last two pregnancies this time of year. And with our last miscarriage, I not just lost that baby, but I also lost our dream of bringing home another child.
Also, my birthday is in November, which always makes me existential. Another year gone, I always think. What have I actually accomplished on my time on this earth?
So November is generally when I come up with my New Year resolutions, which I implement right away.
It’s funny. Until I read that blog post, I never realized that my New Years resolutions are my way to try to FIX my grief. I mean, I know at some level I was doing something like that: I ran my first and second marathons in the year following those losses. I told myself that it was something to focus on, but both years it was because I had something to prove. I was trying to fix the way I was feeling.
Here’s the truth: I have been grieving my choice of career in the past year.
I’m grieving that I chose a career that brings me security instead of joy. I’m grieving I built a career based on who I thought I should be, not who I am. I’m grieving the reality that I can’t just quit and follow my bliss and do something else completely. I’m grieving the loss of the dream that I could be -and do – anything I want to be.
But the reality is just that. I chose a career for security, and it does not bring me joy, and I can’t quit and run off and be a starving writer. Jeff and I are working on a plan to pay down our mortgage enough that potentially at some point in the future I might be able to, but it cannot happen right now.
BUT. Instead of fighting that sadness, like I have been, trying to think my way around it and out of it and through it, always obsessed with the thought: how can I make money doing something I love? or beating myself up because I didn’t make a different choice twenty years ago in college… what would happen if I just stopped it all? What would happen if I just carried it instead?
Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.
I’m going to try it.