#MicroblogMondays: On Grief.

Microblog_Mondays

(Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.)

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I’m not sure who linked it to their Facebook account, but I read this blog post on grief which really resonated with me.

What stuck with me the most, though, was this sentence: Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

I love the idea of carrying your grief, not fixing it.

This time of year is a tough one for me. Not only is it dark and cold, but I lost my aunt and my last two pregnancies this time of year.  And with our last miscarriage, I not just lost that baby, but I also lost our dream of bringing home another child.

Also, my birthday is in November, which always makes me existential. Another year gone, I always think. What have I actually accomplished on my time on this earth?

So November is generally when I come up with my New Year resolutions, which I implement right away.

It’s funny. Until I read that blog post, I never realized that my New Years resolutions are my way to try to FIX my grief. I mean, I know at some level I was doing something like that: I ran my first and second marathons in the year following those losses. I told myself that it was something to focus on, but both years it was because I had something to prove. I was trying to fix the way I was feeling.

Here’s the truth: I have been grieving my choice of career in the past year.

I’m grieving that I chose a career that brings me security instead of joy. I’m grieving I built a career based on who I thought I should be, not who I am. I’m grieving the reality that I can’t just quit and follow my bliss and do something else completely. I’m grieving the loss of the dream that I could be -and do – anything I want to be.

But the reality is just that. I chose a career for security, and it does not bring me joy, and I can’t quit and run off and be a starving writer. Jeff and I are working on a plan to pay down our mortgage enough that potentially at some point in the future I might be able to, but it cannot happen right now.

BUT. Instead of fighting that sadness, like I have been, trying to think my way around it and out of it and through it, always obsessed with the thought: how can I make money doing something I love? or beating myself up because I didn’t make a different choice twenty years ago in college… what would happen if I just stopped it all? What would happen if I just carried it instead?

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

I’m going to try it.

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4 Responses to #MicroblogMondays: On Grief.

  1. Turia says:

    I love this. Off to read that post now.

  2. Mel says:

    Oh, I love this so much. I think it’s one of the most important life decisions to consider: do you choose what makes you happy or what makes you secure. If you choose happy, how do you set up your life so you also have some security. If you choose secure, how do you set up your life so you also have some happiness.

    I think it’s amusing that the one idea from that article that everyone keeps latching onto is the one part of the post that isn’t in his own words. They’re someone else’s words and idea.

  3. Mali says:

    Beautiful!

    I too am “always obsessed with the thought: how can I make money doing something I love?” No answers yet. But I love the thought that I can just carry that with me.

    I’ve carried a number of things with me – but realising that that is what I am doing I think has helped me feel as if a burden has been lifted. I can carry it with me, and not resent or fight it. Thank you!

  4. deathstar says:

    I chose what gave me joy and lost all security. Oprah told me I should just follow my joy and I would find success. She was wrong. But I don’t have regrets. I just wish I could have thought outside the box a bit more.

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