This week has been a rough one.
School let out on Monday and camp doesn’t start until next week, Jeff has a bunch of stuff going on at work right now which is causing him stress, and I’m trying to juggle a bunch of different things – the little paid work I still have on my my plate, writing, parenting, plus trying to do everything around the house since I’m here all the time.
On top of it, I have apparently done something awful and hideous to my kid, because he’s pissed off at me ALL THE TIME and fighting me, complaining, whining, blaming, yelling, crying.
I have felt raw and battered this week.
And I’ve gotten nothing ACCOMPLISHED. I have been crossing things off my To Do list, but I don’t feel like anything’s actually gotten done. I end my days needing wine, because it seems as if my every last ounce of my energy is being sucked out of me from a pissed off/struggling/annoyed/[insert your own adjective here] 8 year old.
I get that kids don’t NOTICE all the shit you do for them. I never got weepingly grateful over the times my mother made from scratch my favorite egg pancakes over the far easier Bisquick pancakes that sucked up all the syrup and were dry and tasteless anyway. I fought with my mother over basically everything, too. My feelings are NOT unique, not in the least bit.
But I’m struggling this week. I feel like I am running a marathon on a treadmill in a closet somewhere. Working at a far harder pace than I would like to be, going nowhere, and NO ONE NOTICES IT. I’m here, right? I think.
My husband doesn’t notice, because he’s in work survival mode. My kid doesn’t notice, because he’s a kid.
And I kind of just want to stand in the middle of a crowded room and scream WILL SOMEONE PLEASE LOOK AT ME? AND MAYBE TELL ME I’M DOING A GOOD JOB?
I know my family loves me and appreciates what I do for them – if not in the moment, right now, then eventually they’ll see it. (Because, really, I DO actually appreciate all the things my mom did, including those egg pancakes. It just took me a while to actually be able to SEE everything she did.)
But this week, I just wish I didn’t feel invisible.