I finished up my full time consulting gig at the end of April. In May, I did some SOX work for the same client, which amounted to about 40 hours of work. In June, I worked a whopping 10 hours on that same client, on the same task.
But largely, I’m in between jobs. The person I work for now treats me exactly the way he should – as an independent contractor, when he has work for me, he has work for me, and when he doesn’t, I don’t work.
I had a lot of Plans for this time. I was going to clean my house, really deep clean it. I was going to write, a lot. I was going to take this summer as my work “sabbatical” and write a book. Or a short story. THIS was the time I was going to fall back in love with writing, and I was going to produce.
It’s hasn’t really worked out that way.
What happens is that I wake up at 5am, and I write three pages in my journal and meditate. And I write a To Do list for the day, which includes a bunch of Life Administration tasks as well as work-related stuff. And always, every day, “write” shows up on it. And then I do morning stuff with Owen, drop him off at camp, and then my assigned work out for that day. Then maybe a shower afterwards.
And then I fritter away my time for basically the rest of the day. I may do a few things here and there, run errands, go to the library, do laundry, clear clutter.
But I end my days feeling like I haven’t really accomplished anything. Nothing gets written. Maybe I scribble some notes, but the ideas just kinda of fade away.
And the odd thing is, every morning, I have the best of intentions to do SOME kind writing. Maybe a blog post, maybe an exercise. Maybe start writing one of the myriad IDEAS I have for stories… just get started. But then – I can’t do it. I see the blank word document and I freeze. And I see the open empty blog post form and I stop and close it out.
And every night, it weighs on me. I didn’t write anything today.
So today, I’m writing this. Because I don’t know what else to do except to force myself to write something. Anything. Just get some words down.
I have a dream, an idea of where I want to be in 5 years, now. I see where I am today. I just don’t know how to manage the space in between then and now.
I keep saying I just need to find my process, but honestly, I just kind of need to force myself to write. And write more. And keep writing. And then click “publish” even though these words don’t feel particularly compelling to me.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
Have you ever had writer’s block? How did you get past it?